Lay Back and Light Up
by fixedupinnotime
Summary: Sara was feeling nostalgic over something that happened between her and her sister over twenty years ago. She decides to light up.
1. Without Any Guilt

Sara sighed.

She could hear her cats in what used to be her room; Mickey was meowing at what she assumed was a squirrel he saw outside. Such a dumbass.

The house seemed different, now. Again, she thought, it was just her. Well, her and her kids of divorce. It was funny how history repeated itself. Sonia was a single mother, and now, Sara was too. Albeit, cats and twin sisters were different, she thought of them her kids.

Sara knew she didn't want to get married again- she fucking knew it. Yet, Stacy had talked her into it; something about Sara not being committed to their relationship enough to settle down with her. Afraid that she would end up alone, Sara married Stacy, even though everything in her body told her not to. Her body told her not to give up the autonomy. Not to be another statistic. Not to do something she knew she didn't believe in. But Stacy had a point, though. She was not committed. How could she? She had loved and was loved at the age of 17. That month was all it took for Sara to not be able to love anyone else.

She sat on the balcony outside of her living room and closed her eyes.

 _Tegan giggled as soon as she let the smoke out of her lungs, the clear bong sitting between the two of them. Sara waved the smoke that was expelled from her sister's mouth, laughing at a joke she couldn't even remember at this point. She was happy. She was hungry._

 _Sara couldn't stop laughing; she thought Tegan was so funny. She thought her smart. She thought her beautiful. This was what she'd remember when they were 80 years old, she thought. The way Tegan's smile made her eyes water; the way Tegan's smile made her mouth dry._

Thanksgiving was next week. Stacy had signed divorce papers last week.

Sara was alone. Again.

But she wouldn't let her mind stray to those thoughts; no, she and her sister were in a good place. Tegan had that woman… Sara wouldn't ruin her sister's happiness because she was feeling nostalgic. It took them a decade to forget about it. They didn't talk about the month they spent together as lovers. They didn't talk about how in love they were. Neither twin would bring up that they were devastated, to this day, to not be able to be with each other. They broke up for their career. They didn't talk about how after they broke up, Sara had to move away from Tegan to make herself feel normal and not like the sick _bitch_ she felt she was. She was sick. She was sick to this day.

Sara sat up, sighing once again and shook off those thoughts out of her mind.

 _Not today. Please, I can't handle it today._

Frowning, she walked to her 'office', where she kept her computer and recording equipment. She ignored her empty bedroom and the glooming silence the house now hosted. One socked foot in front of the other, she reached up into her personal safe that was located on her shelf. A heavy duty black box with a locker-style combination lock- no one knew the code to open it except Sara, herself. With shaky hands, she turned the knob until the door of the safe opened and she reached inside, hands desperate to find what was inside.

There sat the same bong from 20 years ago. Clear glass, about a foot tall; there was residue on the bowl piece from years of usage. That same bong she had purchased with her sister when they first got together; the one she had pretended to forget about. Under the bong sat a photo of the twins when they had their 'affair'. Sara took both items out of the safe and closed it again. She walked back to the guest room, where she was sleeping now, and refused to look at the photo in hand. Not yet, she thought. Not right now.

Opening the windows to the room to let the air flow, she smiled faintly. She would go back to that moment, with her ex-lover's rosy cheeks and contagious laughter. She wouldn't act on it again. She would just remember those precious moments that were saved in her mind, to be remembered always. Even when her riches ran out, when her cats were long gone and her beauty a thing from the past- those moments with Tegan… they would always be with her. Even she wasn't with her.

Sara sat the bong down on the desk, the picture right next to the glass piece. Her hands moved diligently, muscle memory allowing her to open a drawer to her left, letting a faint smell of weed free to take over the room. She reached for her silver grinder, her lighter and the orange pill bottle containing the drug she craved at the moment. Sitting on the chair, she placed a bud of the potent drug into her grinder and started to work, grinding the flower into a dark green, powder-like substance. She turned to the right several times, then to the left, to make sure it was all broken down to the wanted texture. Sara hummed. _Almost._

" _Come here", Tegan signaled for her sister to come closer. They sat in the carpeted room of their shared 'apartment' in their mother's basement. Sonia was working late tonight, it was just the two of them._

 _Sara's hazy eyesight saw nothing but her sister's plump lips, wet from licking them over and over again. They were thirsty. She crawled her way to Tegan, straddling her lap with shaky thighs. Sara's long hair created a curtain for them to hide behind as they kissed, hands gripping at each other's shoulders._

 _Lips biting. Tongues touching. Hips grinding._

" _I love you." Sara was so high, that was her mouth could say; that, and moan when Tegan nipped at her earlobe._

" _I love you more, Sasa."_

As she was loading the weed into the bong, she heard the front door rattle with the keys. There were only two people who had keys to the house other than the owner; one had divorced her last week. The other one...

Oh, no.

"Sara?", she heard the loved, yet dreaded voice of her twin. Why now? She had every other day to come back from vacation and visit her; why did it have to be right this moment? Sara froze her actions, thinking what her next move would be.

When the younger twin didn't answer right away, her sister called out to her again. "Sara, it's Tegan. I tried calling but you didn't answer, are you home?"

Cursing under her breath, Sara replied.

"In the guest room, Tegan."

She continued to load the weed onto the bowl-piece, making sure she put kief in the bowl piece, as well. Go big or go home, she thought. Especially today, when her sister's presence was becoming known to her.

"There you are! Why didn't you- oh", Tegan's tone changed the moment her eyes fell on the bong. It was _that_ bong. Sara looked at her with sharp eyes.

"My phone has been off all day", was all Sara replied to her sister.

"I didn't realize you still smoked." Tegan sounded confused. Her eyes were still on the bong, her mouth dry. She meant to say " _I didn't realize you still had that bong 20 years after we bought it together. 20 years after you and I happened. 20 years after and I'm still trying to move on."_

"I still do, sometimes, Tegan. Only when the time feels right", Sara's voice was sharp, laced with emotion she was trying to hide. She quickly hopped off the chair and sat on the bed, lighter and the bong in hand, sitting up against the wall. She looked towards her sister fixed stare on the bong and sighed, patting the spot next to her.

Socked feet joined Sara's own.

"What's so special about this time that you want to smoke?", Tegan voice was soft. Sara looked out the window and took her first hit. _One. Two. Three… Ten. Breathe. Cough. Finally, I missed you._

"Don't ask me that and take a hit yourself", Sara whispered. She tried to keep her fast beating heart at bay. She felt the drug making its way through her system, numbing her and waking her up all at once. It felt fucking good, she thought. Her body felt lighter, her head heavier. Tegan took the bong and took a large hit herself, coughing almost immediately.

Sara frowned and rubbed her twin's back in a comforting manner. "When was the last time you smoked, Tegan?". After the burning stopped in the older sister's throat, she answered softly.

"20 years ago."

They both cleared their throats and looked away from each other, Sara taking the bong back. Tegan was gripping to it tightly without knowing it. S _he was gripping to their past._

"How was the vacation? Where did you end up going?", Sara changed the topic quickly and smoothly. She wouldn't let them go there again. She was starting to feel the drug's effect on her body, so she knew that Tegan was, too.

"We went to the Gulf of Mexico. It was okay. You know her, always complaining about something.", her sister replied. She looked disappointed, yet somehow relieved. "I loved every moment of it but she was too hot, too tired, too hungry- always 'too' something to enjoy it. Then she forgot to put on sunscreen and all hell broke loose", Tegan spoke bitterly. "I was just trying to enjoy the first vacation I had available in two years… she made it impossible." Tegan's skin looked tanner, Sara noticed. Tanner and her face had just the right amount of pink to it.

 _Fucking get it together, Sara._

"I'm sorry to hear that, Tegan", was the only thing her sister said.

"Don't be, it just made me realize that we aren't compatible. I should've realized it a long time ago. It's time to break up", Tegan got up from the bed and looked out the window. Her heart was beating fast, her face felt relaxed and she couldn't stop the faint smile from taking over her face. Everything was so green. Sara was so beautiful. Leaning against the wall adjacent to the window, she looked around the room and her eyes fixed on the desk next to her and what lay on top of it. Her heart dropped.

Sara followed her sister's eyes to the photo she forgot was there.

" _Let's take a photo!", Sara suggested. They had just made love. It was fast and hard but that's how Tegan told her sister she needed it then. The youngest of the two laid on top of her twin's body, feeling the chest beneath her lower and rise with her breath. Their skin was hot and the air around them was humid. Tegan's face and upper chest were pink from the feeling her sister had given her, her clit still numb and very thankful. If Sara had told them they were gods and they had powers beyond their belief, she would've believed her._

 _Tegan pulled Sara to her side and reached onto the bedside table that was the home the disposable camera. Smiling, the younger sister kissed her lover's cheek as she wrapped her arms around Tegan's thin frame. She could feel her lover's smile against her lips; she didn't bother looking at the camera when Tegan said 'cheese'- this is what she wanted. She heard the disposable camera click and hugged Tegan. This was love._

"Please don't look at that", Sara was quick to go on her feet but she was too late- Tegan had picked it up and brought it close to her face. Her grip was tight on the faded photo and Sara was afraid that she would ruin the only remaining artifact from the happiest moments of her life. It was in the safe for a reason.

Tegan swallowed thick, her eyes scanning the picture with laser-like focus. Those same hazel eyes filled to the brim with tears. Tegan was always very emotional, but the drug just added to that. She felt her heart pound against her ribcage, like an angry tiger roaring to be freed from its cage. There was no getting around it this time, no. No denying it ever happened.

" _Why_ do you still have this, Sara?", her voice sounded so hurt. It was laced with tears that were threatening to fall out. Sara couldn't look at her, not right now. Sighing, she sat down again on the bed. Tegan began to tap her foot against the wooden floor, her eyes never leaving her sister.

"Why do you _think_ , Tegan?", Sara's response was venomous, knowing whatever happened today would change things. It was like stepping on ice over a lake; thin, dangerous, but things could be okay.

Tegan gasped as she let the tears fall. Her hands were quick to try to wipe them away, but it was no vail. She was reliving everything- the laughing, the smiling. The hand holding, the kissing. The loving, the falling. The pain, the heartbreak. The yelling, the fighting. It was 20 years ago but she would still cry about it- she would still cry over her sister and how deeply _in_ _love_ she was with her. It didn't seem fair that the universe brought them together in such an unlikely way, to be told they couldn't be together how they were meant to. They were star-crossed lovers in another lifetime, and now they were fucking siblings. How was any of this fair? What was the point of dangling food in front of a hungry dog if they couldn't eat? It was cruel.

Sara picked at the sweater she was wearing. _This wasn't supposed to happen._ She frowned as she heard her twin cry from across the room.

"I couldn't throw it away… I couldn't throw _us_ away."

This made Tegan stop crying instantly. Now… well, now she just looked downright pissed.

"That's fucking nice of you, considering you were the one who ended it!", Tegan all but yelled at her. Her tears still wet her face, but they were no longer coming out.

Sara should've seen this coming.

"I ended it to save our relationship- to save our career! Why is it that you cannot understand that and get it through your thick skull?", Sara countered. She knew she was pushing buttons now, but she didn't care. Tegan had invaded her home, her heart and now, Sara would yell back if she pleased.

"That is a load of bull and you know. You simply stopped fucking me because you didn't like the fact we were _incestuo-"_

"Shut the fuck up, Tegan", Sara interrupted her.

"Incestuous! Incestuous. We fucked even though we were sisters. We were incestuous. and you couldn't get the fuck over it and broke my heart, moved away and have made me miserable the last two decades! And I come over and pretend that everything is fine to find you with this photo? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think?!", the more Tegan spoke, the louder she got. She was pacing around the room now, arms wailing wildly at her sides as if trying to prove a point. Her face was red and her body was numb. Maybe that is why she was saying all of these things; the drug encouraged her to do so. She didn't even realize she was moving all around the room until she heard Sara's voice and had to turn around to look for the owner of that voice- that voice that haunted her dreams at night. The voice she had made a career with and that voice she adored and despised all at once.

"It was one thing to be 17, living in mom's basement without a clue of how our life would be turn out. We are successful, we are 37 years old and I have my own house. This is different from before.", Sara tried to keep her voice calm though her body was on fire. This was happening.

"According to your logic, then, we would have no issue if we got back together, then. We aren't 17, we don't live in mom's house and we have a solid career. So what is stopping you?", Tegan cried at her sister. She stood at Sara's feet, her eyes not knowing which one of Sara's to look at. "I am right _here_ , Sara. I'm right here and I do not love you any less from that day it all ended. I am here, 20 years have passed, and I still love you. Why can't you see that?"

Sara broke the eye contact. She knew why she hadn't done anything about her feelings towards her sister and her stubborn heart would rather be miserable and have dignity than being in a happy relationship with her sister. Her hands made fists, knuckles turning white. She had written songs about this… she wouldn't publish any of them. She had written poems about this love that consumed her to her very core- about this love that she had denied herself. She had dragged Emily and Stacy and every other girl in between to this dysfunctional fuck fest that was her heart and she tore them down until they were nothing but a bag of human bones. She was doing the same to Tegan, now, too.

"Our career…", Sara whispered.

"I love you.", Tegan cut her off. It was loud and it made her feel alive.

"We are sisters."

"I love you, still." Tegan stepped closer.

"It is illegal."

"I would go to jail if it meant I got to be with you." Tegan crawled over her sister's legs, now. Closer to Sara's face.

Sara finally cried. "Why? Why are you doing this to me right now? Why can't we pretend we are normal?". Her hands shook and her sister's identical hands took them into her own. She rubbed them, trying to give them the warmth they lacked due to improper circulation. She straddled Sara this time, her heart on her sleeve. Her black jeans contrasted against her sister's white pants. She licked her dry lips and looked at Sara's teary eyes.

 _We are just the same._

"You know why, Sasa".

Sara rested the back of her head against the wall. _I give up._ She looked at her sister; she looked at her twin, at her friend, at her companion, business partner. She looked at her _lover._ The tears stopped, faces wet and flushed. Sara looked at the scar below Tegan's lip from the piercing she used to admire from a distance. Tegan got the piercing the day Sara moved away from her and left her to deal with the heartbreak she had caused.

Tegan reached for the bong that sat beside Sara and lit up the remainder of the weed left in the bowl piece, the thick, cloudy white smoke making its way up the glass tube and into her lungs. Sara was mesmerized with the way her sister's lips inhaled the smoke she desperately wanted for herself. She held her breath and put the bong aside.

Not yet letting go of the smoke, Tegan leaned into Sara's frame, her heart dead from the over excessive beating it had done. She swallowed the urge to cough and cupped Sara's flushed face between her hands. She leaned in until there was nothing but two inches between their mouths. Her thumb pried her sister's dry lips to slightly open her mouth. She let go of the smoke and Sara inhaled it as if it would give her life- as if that would make the rest of the world disappear and it would just be the two of them, together.

The moment Sara breathed again, Tegan kissed her. It was a kiss that the two of them waited too long for. They somehow knew it would happen again and they held on to that ounce of hope that maybe, someday, they wouldn't be so scared. Sara pulled Tegan closer to her by her shoulders, her cold hands entangling themselves in Tegan's shiny, soft hair. She missed it. Their lips were so soft, giving each other the moisture they so desired- tongues shy and yet, demanding. Tegan cried again, finally feeling this feeling she had been missing for over two decades. She kissed her sister and she wouldn't let her go again. She loved her. And her sister loved her back. She kissed Sara until she could no longer breathe and even then, she held on for as long as she could as if a moment's depravity would kill her.

Catching their breath, Tegan rested her forehead against Sara's. Their faces were red and their chest was trying to catch up with the lack of oxygen. Sara played with the corner of Tegan's jacket, gripping on to her.

"You know why, Sara."


	2. Let Them Say What They Will

Sara was in bliss. Her body felt weightless, her nipples tingled and her core was throbbing. However, as she looked at her twin, she knew she would not let her sister touch her. It would be about Tegan tonight, like it had been for the last four months. Her heart was heavy; It has been for almost 21 years.

Tegan panted as her sister sucked on her earlobe, feeling her panties become more wet each passing second. She grasped Sara's shoulder and she dug her nails into the soft skin as her sister's soft and nimble fingers dipped into her underwear and felt the river that was flowing between her lips. A loud moan broke through the room and Tegan hissed as Sara rubbed her clit in a clockwise motion; she could cry. 20 years later and Sara still remembered how to undo her with a touch. Her breasts screamed for attention and she cupped them the best she could, pinching and pulling at her own light brown nipples.

Before Tegan could tell her sister that she was coming, her back arched, her thighs clamped around Sara's hand and an angelical moan ripped through the room.

Sara placed a gentle kiss on her temple. When Tegan caught her breath, she reached for her sister's pants, but Sara flinched away. In a heartbeat, the younger of the two shut herself in the adjacent bathroom.

Tegan could cry.

It had been like this since they got back together over four months ago. At first, Sara wouldn't touch Tegan. Maybe she would kiss her goodnight, and she'd turn over and try her hardest to go to sleep. Her guilt was too strong, still. A month in, Sara and Tegan smoked together again, and Sara touched Tegan for the first time in over 20 year. That night, Tegan cried as she felt her sister's hesitant touches, their gasps and moans filled the house and probably scared the cats. But ever since then, Sara needed to smoke to be able to make love to her sister. And of course, Tegan was not allowed to touch her.

But Tegan stayed, though. She loved Sara so much; it was a love that consumed her. She had loved her since they were 15 and she wouldn't stop loving her. In her dying breath, Sara would be at the back of her mind, heavy in her heart because Tegan _loved_ her.

Time was going too fast and all too slow. The oldest of the two prayed to a God that she didn't believe in, hoping that her sister would feel better about this. She knew that Sara was in love with her too, but she seemed to be hurting a lot, as well. Tegan didn't know what to do. She should stay, right?

" _Sara, please, please don't do this to me," Tegan begged and her voice wavered. Her shaking hands reached for her twin but Sara pushed them away._

" _Tegan, you know we can't keep doing this. We can't. If anyone were to find out, our career would be over before it could even start", Sara tried to explain, trying her best to be level-headed but her eyes were filling with water._

 _Tegan cried harder at this. She ran her hands through her now buzz-cut hair, closed her eyes and prayed that she would wake up from this nightmare._

"Hey, mom", Sara heard her twin from the living room. The cats were probably in the kitchen, waiting for breakfast. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, deciding to start the day.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just don't get much sleep last night," she continued.

A moment.

"No, it's not Sara." _Lies._ It was always Sara.

"I'm just not feeling great. I think that this fucking depression is kicking in, big time. I'm not sleeping very well and I don't feel like eating, but I do so I don't worry her. I'm anxious all the time, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And no matter how much I try, she won't look at me the same way she did when were kids. I… I feel like I'm a charity case to her."

That's right, Sonia knew. It didn't take a genius to figure it out and it also helped that she knew her daughters. She also had seen _the picture_ when it was fresh and new; it's not like she was snooping for evidence, but she had a hunch. She went into Tegan's room to get her laundry and there it was, sitting on her desk for the world to see. She didn't bring it up, ever. She was shocked and confused and did the only thing she could do: research.

When the twins broke up, she decided she would be a listening ear and a supportive mother to the best of her abilities. She saw the hell that they went through and tried to put out the flames that surrounded her daughters as much as she could. She didn't question when Tegan crawled into her bed the middle of the night and clung to her mother as she hysterically sobbed for over three hours. If they wanted to tell her, they would. And she would love them no matter what, because that's what a mother did.

But once Tegan moved in to Sara's house, both of them recently single, Sonia knew that she had to tell them. She visited them and sat them down and told them the truth. Sara was horrified; she jumped up from her place on the couch and locked herself in the bathroom for a better part of the day, throwing up everything that she had eaten in the past day. Tegan just cried on her mom's shoulders, like she did that night.

" _I love my babies, no matter who they love. They're kind, smart, generous and successful individuals. Who they are seeing is not my concern, as long as I know that they're happy. And the faces I saw in that photo were beyond happy. You're both grown women now, and I'm so proud of you- both of you. I'm your mom. I love you, Tegan. And I love Sara just the same."_

Sara walked softly to the living room and planned on kissing her lover good morning, today; she never did that. Instead, she heard her sister's dejected voice talk on the phone to their mother and she stopped and listened in.

She was hurting her and she knew it. She was making Tegan feel like she was no better than the countless faces from the past, all because she couldn't process their relationship. She needed to go to therapy, again.

"She won't let me love her, mum."

Sara let her tears spill, her heart feeling like it was on fire. She gasped and that notified her sister of Sara's presence nearby. Quickly, Tegan ended the conversation, promising she would call back soon, and walked cautiously to her sister. To her _lover._ Once they were arm's length apart from one another, Tegan cautiously reached for her sister's hand and to her surprise, Sara let her.

"I know I'm not- I'm not being good to you. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to walk away from this. But please... _Please_ stay."

Tegan nodded as she listened to her sister's voice, water filling in her own eyes. She seemed to cry a lot, lately.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Turner next Thursday," Sara's shaky voice broke the silence in the room. They were in bed, the lights off, the cats sleeping on their designated spots in the sofa. They were back to back.

But Sara's announcement seemed to bring Tegan's attention back to life. She looked over her shoulder, towards her twin.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"It's good to see you again, Sara. I know it's been a while, but this place is the same as before. We can talk about anything, this is a safe place. It is not my place to judge anything that you say. My job here is to help you realize where you are wrong and to help you move towards a happier life."

Sara stared at the woman in front of her. She was really going to do this. She looked at the woman's curly, short brown hair and her green eyes. She knew Dr. Turner had helped her before. She knew she could trust her.

"I'm in love with my twin," Sara's voice declared. Quickly, her own eyes filled her tears. She was afraid to look at her therapist.

Violet crossed her legs and nodded. She smiled towards Sara, sympathy and confusion displayed in her face.

"So, tell me about that."

Tegan sat in Emy's living room. She had decided to visit their friend in New York for two weeks, and Emy was more than delighted to have her over. In the past week, they had gone out to see live music, saw underground art shows, ate fatty foods and had gotten drunk off their minds. Tegan knew that whenever she needed to see a friend to make her mood better, Emy was always the one with the cure.

Emy looked towards her friend, knowing that she wasn't totally okay. She put lime on the rim of each shot glass, a tall bottle of tequila sat on the coffee table. She patted the spot next to her on the floor and Tegan joined her, the movie they were watching was log forgotten by now.

Tegan served both of them, tequila coming close to the top of the short glasses. Each of them grabbed them and Emy was quick to make a remark.

"Here's to Tequila T!" Quickly, they downed them.

Several more later, Tegan was feeling flushed. She looked at Emy, all inhibitions out of her mind. She leaned in closer and rested her head on her tall friend's shoulder. She wrapped her tattooed arms around Emy's thin waist. This wasn't unusual when it came down to Tequila T, so Emy wasn't worried. But when she felt light kisses on her shoulder, her heart began to go faster.

Soon enough, the kisses turned into little nips at her neck. Emy decided that she needed to stop her.

"Tegan, no." Her voice was shaky, but she said it.

"Emy, please, I need this." Her speech was slightly slurred.

"No, Tegan." Quickly, Emy stood up and sat on the arm rest of the leather couch, Tegan forgotten in the floor. She took a couple of deep breaths before she spoke.

"I think that you're an amazing person, but I think of you as a friend- _only_ as a friend. And you're in a relationship with Sara and I wouldn't like to be the one to get-"

Tegan gasped and stood up. "You _know?!"_ Were they really that obvious? Could the whole world figure it out?

Emy looked at her friend, who was now pacing with wobbly footsteps in her living room.

"Sara was my wife, Tegan. She never told me… but I saw the way she would look at you. I always felt like she wasn't fully with me, and it took a couple of years before I could put it together. It made total sense when I figured it out."

Tequila T sat on couch, looked at her socked feet and thought over the words that her friend spoke. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke back.

"You never…", she was hesitant. "You didn't think it was disgusting? That we are sisters and we feel what we feel?"

Emy looked shocked at the question. She sat down next to her best friend and wrapped her arm around her bony shoulder. Had she not been eating lately?

"I never thought that and I will _never_ think that." They looked at each other, the smaller of the two silently crying.

"You and Sara are my best friends. The fact that you two are together doesn't make me uncomfortable and it sure as hell doesn't make me love you two any less. You're always going to be Sara and Tegan to me and I love you both so much. Please don't ever think differently."

"How can you not think it's disgusting? We were born from the same person!", Sara all but yelled at the therapist in front of her. Her head was pounding. This was the 3rd appointment in a bit over a week and she always came back to this point. What would everyone think?

"It doesn't matter what I think, Sara. The only thing that matters here is how you think and feel about your relationship with Tegan. If you are not hurting someone, if you are simply in love, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?"

"Because," Sara started, "we are public figures. If something were to happen, it could reflect badly on a lot of people."

Violet sighed and uncrossed her legs. She leaned over her knees and looked at Sara in the eyes.

"Nothing has happened yet. And if you're discreet, nothing will happen. The only thing that is happening now is that you are pushing Tegan away. And soon enough, she will have enough of it and she _will_ leave you. So it's up to you, now. What are you going to do differently to show Tegan that she isn't alone in this relationship?"

"So", Emy said over breakfast, "who made the first move?"

Tegan choked on her toast. She reached for the glass of orange juice and drank, trying to stop the burning in her throat.

Emy was laughing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you choke! I was just curious. You know, how did it start?"

Tegan regained her breath and nodded. She thought about it for a moment, her hands pulling at each other from under the table. She blushed.

"We were 17."

 _Tegan walked towards Sara's door and knocked. Earlier, they got into a fight and she was going to be the bigger person and apologize for what she had said. Once Sara opened it, Tegan looked at her twin for a moment, her mouth opening and closing a few times before she said what she needed to say._

" _I'm sorry. I know you don't like it when I get into your personal business. I know that you are your own person," she quickly said. "I just- I just get so frustrated sometimes."_

" _Why?" It was all that Sara had said so far._

" _Because!" Tegan seemed to be losing her breath, she was frustrated. "Because it feels like you never want to hang out anymore. That I just annoy you and you rather just be by yourself than be with me. I'm your sister Sara and I care about you; we are supposed to be friends and lately, you don't love me anymore!"_

 _Tegan was always emotional. Sara sighed and looked at her bare feet. Tegan's were the same. Identical._

" _I do, though. I love you. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't."_

 _While this made Tegan feel slightly better, she still huffed. She wasn't ready to forgive so easily._

" _You have a funny way of showing it", she muttered. They stood in silence for a minute before Sara looked up again. Her mind was made up and she stepped closer to her sister. Tegan's heartbeat began to race, her body felt tingly. What was happening?_

" _I do love you. I'm sorry if I don't show it enough."_

 _They were inches away. Tegan looked down to the identical set of lips close to her own. Was this a dream? Sara's hands shakily placed themselves on Tegan's waist._

 _It definitely was not a dream._

" _Tell me to stop," the younger one whispered. "Tell me I've made everything up in my head and tell me to stop."_

 _Tegan couldn't answer. Her palms were sweaty and her knees felt like they would give from under her. Wide eyes stared at identical ones before they became one._

 _Sara kissed Tegan and Tegan kissed her back, timidly but wholeheartedly. Her eyes shut and her body soared; she had never kissed like this. Sara's lips were soft against her own, dominant. They kissed for minutes before she realized that her arms were idly laying at her sides. She hugged Sara's shoulders and brought her twin closer, their mouths opening to one another and Sara rubbed her tongue against her sister's; they both moaned in unison at the contact._

 _Slowly, they pulled away. Sara's spiky blonde hair was messed up from Tegan pulling at it and her face was flushed pink. She timidly smiled and looked up at her sister's eyes._

" _How's that for showing it?"_

 _Tegan chuckled, still out of finally happened._

" _Good, but you still haven't completely convinced me, yet."_

"Wow. That sounds pretty sweet, actually," Emy commented. She smiled big at her friend who was blushing at the memory and over the fact that she had told something so personal. She could physically see how tolling it was on Tegan to keep this a secret, and she was relieved that they could finally talk about what was bothering her.

"We were kids… literally, over twenty years ago. She broke up for me over some half-assed excuse. When she and Stacy got divorced, saw a chance and I went for it. She was always afraid of being who she wants to be with me and even now, she's pushing me away. I want to believe that she'll accept it and let us be together. But she's not letting me love her and it's making it physically painful to be with her."

Emy's concerned eyes looked over her friend's form and landed on her hands that were picking at the cuticles, surely as a result from the anxiety of this conversation. She reached across the table and clasped their hands together, holding Tegan's hands tightly.

"I just…," Tegan's voice wavered, "I don't know how much I can take of this. She's pushing me away and I'm afraid I'll have to leave her before I lose my sanity."

Emy held her friend's hand. That's all she could do.


	3. Eggshells Are Not Easy To Hold

Sara sat across from her sister at the small kitchen table Could she even just say sister anymore? Her sister. She watched as her twin wrapped her lips around a mug with her face- _their face-_ on it and drink her morning cup of coffee, sighing at whatever news she was reading on her twitter feed. Sara drank her coffee too, peeling her eyes away from this goddamned mirror to look at Mickey as he rubbed himself across her legs.

She tried to shake him off but he just sat on her foot. _Such a dumbass_ , she thought. Finishing her coffee, she stood up, meaning to take her mug to the sink; she collected her sister's now empty mug, too. There was a plate in front of her sister with toast, she would take it later.

She sighed when Tegan wouldn't make eye contact with her, again. She tried to shake off the hurt and rejection she felt. It had been like this since she had gotten back from her trip to New York City three weeks ago. There was barely any conversation between the two of them, just painstaking silence.

Tegan slept in the guest room, now.

 _Sara had gone to the airport to pick up her sister from her trip; she had paid the $60 the Uber had cost her to welcome her sister home. She had been gone for 3 weeks now, and she missed Tegan's company. She wasn't exactly comfortable with being affectionate, especially in public, but she needed to hug her. And when they would arrive home, she would kiss her.  
_

 _She saw Tegan walk through the gates through the multitude of people; Sara's heart beat faster. She felt her palms become sweaty and her stomach was doing flips. She walked towards her, making her way to the love of her life. Once Tegan saw her, she didn't smile. There was a flicker of recognition, maybe a moment of dread, but they kept their eyes on one another. Sara didn't know what to think._

 _They reached each other, Sara was wanting to wrap her in a hug. She tried, but Tegan flinched backward.  
_

 _That fucking hurt._

 _The oldest of the two cleared her throat and looked away. "My suitcase should be here now."_

 _Tegan slept in the guest that night._

And every night since.

They were just roommates, it seemed. Tegan didn't talk to her, she was gone all day. Whenever Sara tried to spend time with her, Tegan would give her a half-assed excuse as to why she couldn't.

Sara turned her back to her sister and walked to the sink, washing the mugs to get rid of any trace of coffee. She scrubbed the bottom of Tegan's until her wrist hurt from the motion. Lost in the motions and in her thoughts, she didn't realize she was crying until she felt a drop on her forearm. How could she stop it? That's all she did, lately. Just cry. Was Tegan going to end it? End the band? Her anxiety took over once again, wracking her small frame with intrusive thoughts.

She felt Tegan next to her, holding the plate that once held her toast, and her twin's eyes glued to her face.

"Why are you crying, Sara?" It was hard to hear, but she heard it. Giving the mug one last rinse, she turned off the water and sighed. She used her forearms to dry off her face, her hands still wet. Tegan laid the plate down on the sink and waited for an answer, eyebrows deep with worry. Now she cared?

 _I fucked it all up. I messed up. She doesn't love me. She won't look at me. She won't touch me. She wants to break up. The band is gonna break up. The foundation is done for. I fucked everything up._

Sara reached for a kitchen towel, turning around and drying her hands. _Breathe. Breathe._ She leaned against the counter, reaching back and picked up the mug with their faces on it and began drying it, too. She finally looked at her twin, at her lover.

"Tegan… are you breaking up with me? Is that why you won't talk to me? You don't sleep in the same bed anymore. You won't look at me. You won't… " She could barely get the words out, "you won't hug me." She wanted to know, but at the same time, she really didn't. She had pushed Tegan away, now Tegan barely acknowledged their relationship, it seemed.

The older didn't reply right away. She leaned against the counter, like her identical counterpart. The eye contact felt like too much to take. It felt like hours before Tegan spoke, eyes on the floor.

"I made a pass at Emy."

The mug shattered against the tile floor of the kitchen, the pieces scattering free. Mickey ran away, it was sudden and frightening. Was this what Sara's heart looked like? Pieces on the floor?

Tegan jumped at the crash, the sound scaring her. She gulped and _finally_ looked at Sara, but she wishes she hadn't. Her twin was pale, eyes wide and glued to the floor. Her hands gripped the counter behind her but if you looked close enough, you could see the shake in them. Her mouth was slightly agape, trying to regulate her breathing. _This is all on me now,_ Tegan thought.

"Sara…", she didn't know how to begin. "Sara please say something." She tried to reach for her but Sara reeled away from her, her face screwing up with emotion as she looked at her identical counterpart. _Anger. Confusion. Denial. Disappointment. Sadness. Heartbreak. Anger, again._

 _Breathe. Breathe._ Her chest was getting tighter, she would need her puffer soon. And the longer she looked at Tegan, the higher the chances of her crying were, but she wouldn't give her the pleasure of seeing that. Not then, anyway.

The silence was scary. Tegan tried again. She needed to fix it, so she stepped closer. She was beginning to shake, her stomach building up an unwelcome amount of acid. _Shake it off. This isn't about you, you selfish cunt._

"Sara… baby, ple-", her sentence was interrupted by Sara's open palm smacking her across the cheek, the slap echoing in the room. Tegan stepped back, her hand cupping the offended cheek, eyes wide and carrying tears.

"Fuck you, Tegan." Sara delivered that sentence like one would deliver a punch, straight, with no hesitations. She would not allow herself to fall for meaningless nicknames.

Sara turned away from her and assessed the mess on the floor. She took a few steps back and lurched forward, jumping across the damn pieces, the fractured faces mocking her. She thought she had cleared all the pieces but was wrong when she stepped forward and a sharp piece stabbed the bottom of her foot. She flinched and bent down, lifting her foot to get the small offender out. When she saw that she was not bleeding, she tossed the piece blindly over her should. She turned back, looked at what once was a mug, and walked back to her room.

"Sara, please open the door," Tegan sighed for what seemed to be the thousandth time that hour. She smelled weed from Sara's room and didn't know what kind of destructive mood she was in.

After Sara walked away, she stood in the kitchen, where Sara had left her. She cried at her mistake, she cried at her impatience and she cried at the hurt she had caused her sister. It was one thing to make a pass at someone, but it was a completely different thing to make a pass at your current lover's _ex-wife._ She broke so many rules, and then some. Out of solidarity, as a girlfriend, she shouldn't have tried to cheat. Out of solidarity as a _sister,_ she should not have picked her sister's ex, no matter how close they all were.

After standing frozen in the kitchen for over an hour, she pulled the broom and the dustpan from the closet and cleaned up the mug. Their faces were shattered, now. Was their relationship shattered, too? Tegan couldn't help but wonder if this was the last straw.

After cleaning up, she went to the guest room where she had been staying at. She felt too guilty to sleep next to Sara after she had come back, so she moved back to this room and left Sara in the other room they had shared for a brief amount of time.

Changing into a pair of dark blue workout leggings and a matching sports bra, she made her way to the living room. Typically she wouldn't be comfortable in little clothing, but it was hot in Los Angeles and she needed to do yoga to calm her body and mind after the events of this morning. She knew Sara needed time alone and she would give her whatever Sara needed.

30 minutes of body bending yoga turned into an hour, and one hour turned into two. Tegan's hair stuck to her forehead with sweat as she came into a warrior one pose, her arms shaking to stay up. Her thighs screamed as she bent more, and her heart was beating out of her chest from exhaustion and lack of water. Her messy ponytail had fallen out and her scalp was soaked in sweat. She sighed as she stood up, her aching muscles relieved they were not going to be working to that level anymore.

Drinking water, she looked down the hall towards the room Sara was in. She chewed her ice, eyes glued to the door.

She could leave Sara alone. Maybe Sara was done after today. After all, she was still trying to accept things as they were between them, maybe this would change her mind. But no, she had been going to therapy to talk this out. Tegan has gotten a few messages while in New York City, saying things like "therapy was really good today", or "I should've done this sooner", so maybe she was feeling better. Maybe it was Tegan's selfish mistake and pride that would end things. But how long did Sara have to be locked up in the room? Holiday was in with her and even if Sara didn't need to come out, she would have to open the door to let the cat out at some point.

Getting more water from the refrigerator water dispenser, she walked towards the room. _Fuck it_ , she thought. She had hurt Sara and now she needed to woman up and talk to her. Apologize. Beg. Plead. She would do it all if it meant Sara would be with her.

So there she sat, outside the door. She knocked on the wood repeatedly but Sara still hadn't said a word from the other side. Her butt was starting to hurt from sitting on the floor for so long. Tegan chewed the last bit of her ice from the tall glass, standing up, now. She left the glass on the floor and took a deep breath, smelling the potent aroma of earthy marijuana from the other side of the door.

"Sara come on… can we please talk about this?", she begged.

Nothing.

"Sara, baby. Please let me explain. Please don't give up on us without me letting explain. I'm so…", her voice broke, "I'm so sorry, Sara. I love you so much and I would take it back if I could. Please, Sara… I'm your _sister!"_

 _That must do it,_ she thought. It did.

She heard the heavy stomps of her sister's footsteps and then the door being unlocked. Soon enough, swollen red eyes met tear-filled ones.

"If I were _just_ your sister, this wouldn't be a fucking problem!", Sara roared at Tegan. "If I were just your sister, then I wouldn't be filled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts at the end of the day when I try to sleep! If I were just your sister, I wouldn't give a fuck about who you make moves at!", Sara barked at her. Her eyes were angry and hurt, her face wet from her own tears.

She walked to the bed, facing the patio and looking out her neighborhood of Silver Beach. "But I'm not your sister, Tegan. I will never be just your sister," she sobbed.

The older twin stood at the door, trying to find her footing in this room. She wiped the tears and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down but glad that Sara had opened the door. Holiday ran past her and out towards the rest of the house. Tegan noticed the bong and Sara's wooden box of paraphernalia sitting by the door to the patio, surely close to being empty.

"You're… the love of my life," Tegan spoke in a monotone voice. She needed to keep calm. "I never wanted to hurt you. Please… please understand that my intentions were not to be hurtful."

Sara didn't look at her, but her back was stiff, jaw clenched at the words she was hearing from Tegan. She wanted to keep her pride, but she was also very high. Her body was buzzing, her ears were ringing a bit.

"I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel like I was loved. And I should have waited and I should have been more patient. I was just so incredibly sad and we were drinking… the drinking doesn't justify it, but my inhibitions were low. I am sorry", Tegan's voice got closer to Sara's body, now. "Please, Sara, l… please don't give up. I don't need sex. I don't need you to hold my hand. I just want you to be there with me. You're more than my sister. You are my business partner, my first friend, my companion, my housemate, my _love._ I adore you with such an intense amount. That's all I've known for over twenty years. Your love, it's all I need. Please don't leave me, Sara."

Tegan was full out crying now, sitting next to her. Neither of them looked at each other. Sara's body was still buzzing, just not as much. _I guess I've built a tolerance._

 _Breathe. Breathe._

"You… you strayed." Sara spoke quietly. "I didn't expect that of you. You… you have never thought about cheating in all your relationships. And then you… you strayed to my _ex-wife._ It was like…", Sara took a shaky breath, her knuckles turning white. "It was like you punched me in the gut."

Tegan shook her head, her eyes clenched shut and producing tears nonstop. She wanted to take it back.

Before she could say anything back to Sara, her twin spoke again.

"But I deserved it. I've done it to so many people before… it was only bound to happen to me. I just wasn't expecting it to come from you. I wish I could simply not care… I wish I could be more like you." Tegan knew how much it took for Sara to say that. "But the universe made an incestual whore and is punishing me for it."

What does one reply to that? What could Tegan say that would make Sara feel better. Slowly, she slid her hand towards Sara's and grasped it, feeling relief when her lover didn't pull away.

She tried to push her luck.

"If you're an incestual whore, then I am two of them," she tried a joke. Uncertain, red eyes looked at one another for a long time. Slowly, Sara moved closer to her so that their shoulders were touching. The hand that wasn't holding Tegan's came to rest on her twin's thigh, and Sara kept her eyes there for a moment. Tegan's heart beat inside of its cage, but she didn't move.

 _Breathe. Breathe._

Sara licked her lips and slowly, brought her face up to Tegan's. She looked at the lips before her, pink and bitten from the anxiety.

She leaned in and touched them with her own, their lips fusing together. It was sweet and tender, slow and passionate. Neither of them had good breath, but neither cared. Tegan cupped Sara's defined jaw, sighing as she finally closed her eyes and enjoyed the kiss. Sara's grip on Tegan's thigh tightened, her body coming to life after kissing Tegan for the first time in over a month. A _month._ How could she have gone a month without kissing these lips? And twenty years? It seems impossible. They were so soft. Pouty, red, gentle. Neither of them wanted this kiss to end.

But _fucking Mickey_ sat on Sara's feet, scaring her drug-induced mind and made her jump back with a gasp. Tegan's eyes were closed, her hand gripping Sara's hard. She opened them slowly and Sara noticed the blush on her cheeks and how her chest struggled to catch her breath. She noticed the tight bra on the chest in front of her.

"Do… do you forgive me?", Tegan hesitantly asked. Her eyes were hopeful, her bottom lip bitten between two rows of slightly crooked teeth.

Sara could only nod towards her. She hugged her sister, finally. _This is what I wanted at the airport._ This simple hug, it was so tight and both held on to one another, simply enjoying the feeling of one another. Their breaths in sync, Sara smiled. Mickey left when she shifted the position that her legs were at, breathing deeply again.

"Hey, Tegan?" Sara whispered.

"Hmm?" The response was brief.

"Go shower. You smell."

"Hey! That's not nice!" Tegan pulled away and stood up, walking towards the room door with a smile. Sara was quick to catch up and, feeling bold, spanked Tegan's bottom that looked _so irresistible_ in those leggings. The older of the two gasped and blushed, in shock.

"Go, shower," Sara's voice was like a purr in her ear. "And then maybe, we can go on a date. I'll take my girl out and show her a good time. A _sister_ date." Sara walked towards the kitchen and looked over her shoulder, winking at her sister.

Tegan could only mumble. "Fuck me."


	4. Credit My Weak Heart

Tegan grunted as her fingers reached deeper into her core. The now cold water from the shower falling on her back cooled her down, but it didn't take away the feeling she was experiencing. Now only slightly pulsing inside herself, she curled her long digits against the little organ that loved to be touched. Her knees felt weak and she let out a whiny moan. She bit on her lower lip, her other hand tightly pinching a nipple to a point and pulling, adding the pain that she desired. She leaned against the nearest tile wall, feeling herself get closer to the edge. Eyes closed and head thrown back, Tegan thought of the best sex she had ever had.

" _Tegan, I'm so close," it was barely a whisper and the words were hushed together but she clearly heard her sister from above her. Pecking her lover's clit, she crawled her way up Sara's teenage body, licking every bit of skin she could. Her twin's hips were covered in nail marks and decorated with bite marks, but Tegan did not hesitate to add more._

 _Her lips wrapped around Sara's nipple and she bit down hard, making the body below her thrash around the bed._

" _T-Tegan, please!"_

Tegan remembered that day and it only added fuel to the fire she needed to put out. Moving her hips against her hand, her clit got plenty of delicious pressure against the palm of her hand. With breathy, whiny moans, she humped her own digits, hips on overdrive. She thought of Sara's curvaceous body and she wondered if Sara would sound the same she did 20 years ago when Tegan made her come against her mouth. The thought of making her twin come, as a 38 year old woman, pushed her over the edge. She couldn't hold back the moans that flew from her mouth.

"S-Sara!". It was loud, high and very uncharacteristic of her.

Shivering, she rinsed away the evidence of her 'session', turning her body to face the cold shower spray. Closing her eyes, she tipped her head back and thought of the last few months.

Greece had been amazing. The sisters went there on a whim, fighting their Virgo impulses to plan every little detail. They had more than enough in their bank accounts to afford the luxury of a sea-side hotel room and delicious food at the snap of their fingers. They had plenty of heavy make out sessions that left them wanting each other more, hips pushed against one another's, bodies hot and hands twitching to touch each other.

Sara had also cut her hair; the moment that she arrived home, the day before they were meant to leave for their vacation, Tegan saw her sister adorning a haircut very similar to hers and her face broke into a grin. She remembered approaching a very shy Sara, and softly curling her fingers through her counterparts' now short hair. A part of Tegan loved the aspects of individuality that they had established, but a bigger part of her adored when they had "twin" moments. She had leaned in and kissed Sara softly on the lips, before telling her that she looked good. Sara blushed.

Tegan contemplated on this past year, not just the vacation that brought the sisters closer, but all of the activism and fighting they had done for their community. She truly felt so good and proud of all the hard work they had done together, knowing that it was no easy feat. She replayed all of Sara's words in her head and admired her open dialogue with complete strangers. She remembered the feeling of falling in love with Sara for the first time and how she felt this sick shame for it. She didn't understand what was happening, because one moment she may have thought a girl was pretty but the very next one, she was fighting the impulses to kiss her twin. She remembered when her mom got Sara dental dams a few weeks after Sara had come out and how her sister had turned 30 shades of red, quickly grabbing them from their mom and ran to her room, avoiding eye contact with Tegan.

After turning off the water, she quickly dried off and applied a moisturizer to her skin. After combing her hair, she wrapped her tattoo-covered body in a towel and walked into the master bedroom. She was not expecting Sara to be there, sitting on the bed, dressed in smart black pants and a grey striped sweater. Her feet were bare, crossed over one another.

"O-oh, sorry, Sare. Just getting some clothes," the eldest muttered. She couldn't look at her sister, hoping her sister hadn't heard what she was doing in the shower. The twins, though more comfortable with being together and kissing, had abstained from sex. It bewildered Tegan how Sara could keep their composure during times when all she wanted was to push Sara's hand into her underwear. But, she also remembered that it was the best thing for the both of them. Sara was still sensitive and hesitant; not as much as before, but still present, and so they had agreed to see Sara's therapist together for guidance. It had been a year full of growth, both mental and emotional. She quickly walked over to the closet and started to pick out a pair of boy shorts, looking over her shoulder to Sara's general direction.

Sara didn't answer, but simply lifted her head and made eye contact with her lover. She quickly licked her dry lips and cracked the knuckles in her right hand.

"What…," she swallowed thickly, "what were you doing in the shower, Tee?"

Oh, just _touching myself about the first time I went down on you. But you knew what my hands were doing, didn't you?_

Blushing, Tegan dropped her towel and leaned down to step into her underwear. Pulling them up her ample hips, she turned around and stood with fake confidence. Keeping the eye contact, she stretched her neck and smiled mischievously. "Honestly?", Sara nodded with her eyesight focused on Tegan's chest, so Tegan smirked. "I was masturbating, thinking of the first time I went down on you."

The oldest of them continued dressing and with pleasure, witnessed her twin's cheeks grow a rosy hue and her eyes close. When Sara bit her lip, Tegan knew that she was remembering that night, too.

Before she knew it, Sara was standing in front of her and pushing her up against the closet wall. Tegan's topless body was pushed against Sara's clothed one, and before she could wonder what was going on, Sara was sucking at her neck. Tegan felt her clit become alive once again, though she had already had a release that day. But that didn't matter, because with their lack of sex, Tegan's clit woke at a simple touch. It didn't take much, she was just human.

All too quickly, she felt a sharp bite right under the spot where her jaw met her crooked ear, and Sara was out of the room and wondering god knows where about the house. Tegan leaned against the wall, gasping, longing.

/

"Tegan, will you at least pretend to help? It was your idea to set up the Christmas tree, you know," Sara scowled. She was the one that brought the fake tree from storage, that cleared out a place in the living room for it and that had set it up. She also took all of the branches out, fluffing the tree up. Now, she was walking from the guest room with two large boxes of ornaments.

Tegan looked up at her sister from her phone, noticing how strong her hands looked. Those boxes seemed so safe. Yes, she was the one who suggested they set up the Christmas tree, but she didn't think Sara would take it seriously. Standing up from her place on the couch, she took one of the boxes from Sara's hands and walked it over to the corner where the tree was. She bent down to set it down and opened the flaps, the colors from the ornaments overwhelming her quickly. Sara did the same with her box, only hers had tinsel and lights.

"I think we should start with the lights," Tegan suggested. Sara seemed to agree because she reached down into her box to get the bundle of clear twinkly Christmas lights out, starting to unwrap it from itself. Tegan soon helped, pulling from one end, and Sara from the other.

"I don't understand why you wanted to do this, anyways. We haven't been huge about Christmas since our early twenties," Sara mumbled. She seemed concentrated on her end of the lights, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. She was right, however, this year it would be the two of them alone. Last year, they had their mom to celebrate with, but this year, their mom and her partner were going on vacation.

Tegan bit her lip and looked shy before she answered. "I just wanted it to be special. It's just the two of us. And I want this to be memorable." She blushes at what she spoke, knowing she must've sounded childish. She wanted it to be _special_. "I know it's dumb and that we don't celebrate Christmas very much, but for the first time in over twenty years, I can wake up next to you on Christmas morning and I think that is worth celebrating."

When the twins were little, Christmas was their favorite holiday. They got presents, no school, good food and they could hang out with one another. As a toddler, Sara was so intrigued with the colors and lights, she just had to tug at the tree, shattering a few ornaments. As a young kid, Tegan threw up on the toy that their parents had given them. They just loved Christmas and everything related to it; Tegan just wanted to remember how much she loved it, and wanted to remember it with her sister.

Sara turned to the tree, carefully placing the lights on the branches in front of her. She didn't say anything else to Tegan for the few minutes that it took her to do the task, but she knew that her sister was simply expressing her feelings. And truthfully, she was glad she could wake up next to her sister. Each day, she focused more on the reasons to be happy with her sister, rather than the reasons to be miserable without her. The list so far included…

Tegan's raspy morning voice, the wrinkles by her eyes when she smiled, the face of concentration she would make when reading a good book or trying to write a song. It also included, but was not limited to, the way Tegan would blush when she was simply trying to speak about her feelings, the way that Tegan would make her feel like no one else mattered, like she was invincible even though they were only 5'2. It also had Tegan's high-pitched laugh, her strong hands, the look full of adoration and innocent love she only gave Sara.

Sara could focus on the positives. Because the list for the positives were so good, so beautiful and so amazing, that the list of negatives almost didn't matter anymore. Almost.

After hanging the lights, Sara turned around to find Tegan busy on her phone again, her tongue poking at the corner of her mouth. It took her one more second to realize that Tegan was filming her the entire time. Well, more like filming her backside.

"That _better not_ go on social media!" She practically growled. She was quick tempered, nowadays, and the fact that Tegan wasn't helping her was annoying her. Yes, she remembered the positives list, but Tegan was still her sister, which mean she could annoy her like no one else could. Mickey appeared out of nowhere and got a hold of the tinsel on the floor of the living room.

"It's not! This one is just for me," Tegan smirked. A moment's hesitation passed and then she added, "your ass looks too good for me to share it on social media." It did. Sara's black pants hugged all the right curves and her striped shirt rested right above her ass, giving Tegan a splendid view of her plump behind. The comment made Sara's mouth dry and she felt an all too familiar heat spread through her body. Before she could do anything about it, she needed to talk with Tegan about something.

"Tee," Sara started. She blushed and took a breath, knowing her sister's eyes were on her. She walked to her worn down leather sofa, her eyes pleading Tegan to sit down with her. It seemed as though twin telepathy worked, because her sister sat on one corner of the couch, her knees to her chest and Sara sat down at the other. Her elbows rested on her knees, her hands nervously tugging at one another. She cleared her throat. "Let's talk about sex."

The oldest of the two was not expecting this conversation so suddenly and out of nowhere and her cheeks reddened, but she would talk about it. It wasn't like Sara to bring these things up. Tegan was usually the one that wanted to fuck and be fucked and she was not shy about it, as Sara heard this morning in the shower. With a tender voice, she asked ,"okay, Sara. What's going on?"

With a deep breath, Sara spilled the beans. "No one's topped me since you last did." She couldn't look at her sister and Tegan wasn't totally sure if she heard that right. Sara? Womanizer Sara, leading ladies to the bedroom Sara, single Sara from 2009-2011, hasn't been topped since 1998? How? And _why_? Tegan was in a bit of a shock, but she was in for another one soon enough.

She sputtered noises before she could speak. "W-wha-h-how- what?"

Sara sighed now, feeling embarrassed and shy. Her confidence was gone and quickly replaced with doubts. However, she needed to have this talk with Tegan before they could be intimate again. It was a personal requirement so that she could let those last walls down- her therapist told her it needed to happen.

"I honestly didn't feel like I could let anyone else touch me. A part of me felt... disgusted with the fact that we had done what we did and I thought that if anyone else knew, they would be disgusted as well. And then when the gross feeling left, it was replaced with sadness and heartache because I had pushed you away. I didn't want to let anyone else touch me because I… I wanted my body to remember your touch. I didn't want to replace it with someone else. I couldn't replace you." By now, Sara had let out a few emotional tears slip and her face was flushed with embarrassment and shame.

Tegan took a moment to process what Sara had told her and took a deep breath. She sat next to her lover and softly placed a hand on her sister's upper back, rubbing away the feeling of shame. She gave her sister a few minutes to breathe out the pain she had shown Tegan, and to close herself up again. She didn't need to go there anymore.

"So, in 20 years, no one has gone down on you or gone inside of you in any way…?" Back to the original topic. Sara blushed at Tegan's lewd words, almost regretting bringing it up when she heard the subtle amusement in her sister's voice when she spoke.

"Besides a yearly trip to the gyno, no."

"What about masturbation?"

 _Good lord_. "I would sometimes use a finger but I mainly stayed on my clit."

"Not even… Emy?" Emy had been a topic they hadn't talked much about since Tegan's trip to visits their friend. Sara had called her ex-wife on the phone after the fiasco was over, just for fun.

Sara cleared her throat, needing a tall glass of ice water. "Truthfully, Emy wanted to touch me. So, I would let her fuck me in the ass. With her tongue, fingers or strap. I told her I wasn't comfortable with vaginal penetration but that I liked it in the ass."

That was the second shock. Her little sister liked bum sex.

"And did you? Like it, I mean. Because I remember you liking it." How was she forming words? Why couldn't she try to sugarcoat her words?

Sara giggled, embarrassed. "I did. I still do. I just thought that I needed to keep that part of my body untouched."

Sara heard her sister smirk. "But you'd let me touch you, right?" Her voice was so close to her ear. It send shivers throughout her body. Soon enough, Tegan was sucking at her earlobe and making her wet. She tried to answer her sister but only a moan came out. She gently pushed her sister away and smiled brightly at her.

"Come smoke with me."

So she did. Sara went into her office space, unlocked the safe and gathered all her precious tools; their bong, her favorite lighter and some of California's best OG Kush. Tegan got her grinder and a water bottle. Giggling like teens, they opened up the patio door and prepared what they needed. The oldest of the two ground up the weed in the metal grinder and Sara poured water into the bong, making sure not to go past the choker line. It was almost dark outside when Tegan handed her lover the grinder, and watched as Sara expertly packed the bowl piece.

Sara handed her the lighter and then the bong, and so Tegan lit up first. The weed burned bright orange and the bong became full of thick, cloudy smoke. Tegan, like a pro, inhaled and pulled the bowl out, making sure to clear the bong. Sara took it from her hands and while looking at Tegan, burned the weed and inhaled deep. Her pouty lips were red.

" _Sara, come on, we don't have a lot of time." Tegan smirked at her blonde sister. Sara had gotten a haircut and Tegan had never felt so attracted to anyone in her 17 years of life before. Sara was hot. Sara was climbing over her lap and had no shirt. Quickly, Sara had no bra on, either. Tegan wrapped her lips around Sara's nipples and bit, feeling her sister grind down on her lap._

 _She felt weightless. Was she nude? She couldn't remember. She just felt her clit wanting to explode and Sara's body weight on top of her. God, Sara was hot. She loved Sara. She adored her. Was she Sara? Was Sara Tegan? Sara. Sara. Sara. Sara._

 _She leaned back and pulled her sister with her, knocking the bong over and spilling the water but she didn't care because Sara's hand was palming her through her panties and Sara was moaning and so was she and then she was coming, violently and loudly._

"I love you, Sara." A cough. The wrinkles by her eyes appeared. Her smile was blinding, her cheeks here blushing. Her eyes were glossy.

"I love you too, Tegan. Can we make out?" She was high and needed to kiss her.

Tegan smiled happily, her lips eager to touch the ones in front of her. She was so happy. Eagerly, she grabbed her sister's hand and lead them inside, forgetting all about the bong and weed. She closed the door behind them and quickly turned around, holding her sister's hips and pulled her so that their fronts were touching.

Sara's lips trembled, their breathing hot and hearts pounding heavy. She saw her sister's identical face in front of her and wanted to see it everyday after. "I would marry you if I could." She didn't mean to say that out loud but she did; she was too high to care. Tegan closed the distance between them and kissed her lover, hard. The youngest of the two moaned in surprise, kissing Tegan back just as passionately. She wrapped her arms around the strong, wide shoulders so that she would fall. Her body was heavy and light, all at once. Kissing Tegan would never be enough.

"And I would say yes, if I could."


End file.
